Tuesday, May 15, 2012

One Really Crappy Year, DOWN!

A dear friend of mine came out to see me after my second mastectomy and we watched a bunch of movies, one of them being, "Crazy Stupid Love."   Remember the part where Steve Carell's co-worker heard him crying in the bathroom and they were all sure he had cancer?  It turned out it was just divorce.  I looked at my friend and she looked at me.  It occurred to me then, man, I've gone through both of those things in 2 years time.  I'm so used to bad stuff happening lately, devastating stuff,  that the littlest good things now seem incredible to me!  I just want to tell everyone that even in the darkest times of your life, you have to hold out for another day- it will get better!  But that doesn't mean I get a little nervous about looking too far into the future...

It's been one year since my first breast cancer diagnosis.  Although the newness of being the "survivor" instead of the "fighter" is waning, the realization of what it means to have had cancer is starting to rear its ugly head.  Just one example, is that I naively applied for life insurance through my employer during open enrollment, and received the "are you serious?" letter from Anthem.  *DENIED*.  I guess in a weird sort of way, I still think the rules don't apply to me somehow. I have all the confidence in the world I'll never have a recurrence, but the underwriters and their equations believe otherwise.

But then I started to really think about it.  These underwriters don't know that I've seen three oncologists who all agree that my recurrence rate is low...that the Oncotype DX test says so; that I've been to a new GYN who has survived cancer herself and believes in preventative care to keep cancer away for good, hooking me up with all kinds of way too expensive supplements (will discuss in another blog entry, for sure); that I tested negative for the BRCA genetic testing; that I workout like a mad woman; and that I've really been trying to cut out the bad foods that breed inflammation and cancer cells.  (Well, ok, I'm not doing so hot with that last one, but I'm trying!)   No, the application process simply asked for surgeries, medications, and diagnoses.  "Breast cancer" was the buzzword, and the rubber stamp of disapproval was laid upon me with no questions asked.

As for what's going on with me physically at this point- I am in the waiting and stretching phase of my reconstruction for "Kourtney."  A strange calm has come over me.  I was SO impatient during this phase the first time around.  Now, I find myself forgetting that I need to keep my calendar open in July for my second implant surgery!  I guess I've been through so much that this seems like an afterthought.


From a medication standpoint, it's been a few months now that I've been on Tamoxifen.  Tamoxifen is an estrogen blocker that I have to be on for the next 5 years.  I don't doubt the effectiveness of this drug, but the side-effects are kicking my butt!  The least favorite being the weight gain. The night sweats aren't much fun either.  I complain a lot about the side-effects, but then I realize that it beats the hell out of chemo!

I've also come to embrace the advocate role that my diagnosis has created.  I've had close friends call me very worried about their mammogram "call backs."  I've had women, young, old, and middle-aged contact me for advice when the news wasn't good.  I love and embrace this responsibility!  And let's face it, unfortunately, 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. Information is power.  Without the advice I received from Kathy C, Darcy K, Carol B, Heidi F, Amy P, and Hollye H, I never would be where I am now.

I welcome any and all comments, encouragement, feedback, advice, etc.! The 'comment' box on this blog isn't very reliable, so feel free to send me an email at amymariesmith93@gmail.com.  And please follow me on Twitter @amysmith70.