As I was reading Facebook posts this morning, it hit me like a smack in the face, the realization of what just happened to me. In this particular post, a friend asked for prayers for a colleague going in for a mastectomy. Suddenly, I felt so sorry for this person who I didn't even know, as if this never happened to me. Then it hit me, "oh yeah, I had to do that once...er, I mean twice." F**K. That must have really sucked for me! The thing is... of course it sucked, but I only did what I knew I had to do to live. You would be surprised at yourself what happens when you are truly faced with either living or dying. My psyche was protected by this killer instinct. I was calm (for the most part) and it never occurred to me to cower. And when people say things like, "you're a fighter" or "you're a survivor" I thought that was kind of dumb, because it never occurred to me that I would actually not survive. But now, as the fog of cancer is lifting, the impact of all of this is sinking in and I realize the seriousness of it all. When I go to the doctor for the littlest thing, they go overboard with the tests BECAUSE I HAD CANCER. When I go to get life insurance, I get denied BECAUSE I HAD CANCER. People do overly nice things for me BECAUSE I HAD CANCER. Wow, this is kind of a serious matter.
The fog is lifted and I'm moving on. So now what? Well, now that I am past the imminent danger of dying (insert sarcastic tone), I have some decisions to make about my reconstruction (now for serious tone). At first, bringing this up seemed trivial and unimportant and I didn't want people to think that this was a topic more serious than chemo, or losing fertility, or dealing with late stage cancer, but it does merit talking about because it affects the way a woman perceives herself for the rest of her life. And when you've lived your entire life having body image issues anyway, chopping off the 2 things that define your femininity, at least symbolically, is of a serious psychological matter. <Please know that I am only speaking for me and don't pretend to represent the whole female race>. Women who have survived breast cancer run the spectrum of opinions on this. Well, unfortunately, my reconstruction, having been done a two separate times, didn't quite leave me satisfied....at all. Going into it with no big expectation anyway, my hope was that they would at least be even. I can live with the scars. I consider those battle wounds. What I was left with was a not so bad Kim, but a very scar-tissued Kourtney. And very uneven. Like, not a little bit, but a LOT. My plastic surgeon wants to wait until March to make sure Kim doesn't do what Kourtney did- form too much scar tissue. If I so choose, he will go in and break up the scar tissue, which will hopefully make them even up a little. Having already had 4 surgeries since June 2011, the thought of another one is agonizing. The 3rd year of meeting my out-of-pocket maximum on my insurance, and the 3rd year of having to take time off work to recover. For what? An inch or two of vanity? That sounds INSANE! I know it must sound ridiculous to everyone. I haven't made my decision yet on whether I will go through with it. But I know me and I have to look at it everyday. The question remains, is it worth it? The time, the money, the vanity? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling with deciding. |
| Me, receiving an award at Parkview Hospital from INC's Melissa Long |
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