Thank GOD I only have 2 boobs!

I had my consult with Dr. Y this morning.  He is the surgeon who performed my mastectomy last July.  Just to clarify, a lot of people thought I had a double-mastectomy the first time around- but I only had my left breast removed.  Even at that, many people thought having a mastectomy was overkill, because my diagnosis was non-invasive cancer (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ).  This time around, unfortunately, the lump found on my other breast is invasive.  According to Dr. Y, out of around 250 breast cancer patients he sees per year, only 1 or 2 have bi-lateral breast cancer at the same time.  It's very rare (I'm winning the wrong lottery!!).  He gave me the option of a lumpectomy or mastectomy, even though he said he already knew the answer I'd give him.  I consented to have the mastectomy- right side.  He examined my lymph nodes and he didn't feel anything suspicious.  Furthermore, my CT scan that I had at the ER last week did not show anything on my lymph nodes.  However, that doesn't tell the whole story, and until my sentinal node is biopsied during my mastectomy, we won't know if the cancer has spread into my lymphatic system.  If it has, they will remove MORE lymph nodes to see just how far it has spread.  If it has, then further treatment will be appropriate (chemotherapy, radiation...).  He expressed optimism that it's early stage, but of course, we won't know with any certainty until surgery.

Additionally, my CT scan showed there was an "incidental hypervascular lesion" found on my liver.  Dr. Y did not seem too concerned about this, but ordered an MRI (scheduled for Wed) to be on the safe side.  I've already had two people tell me that they are SURE this is just my Guinness spot!  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about this lesion, but either Dr. Y was only downplaying it to ease my already off-the-charts anxiety, or he is genuinely not too concerned about it- I'm not sure which.  We'll find out soon enough.  Folks, if it's my liver that is what's going to do me in, then I only have myself to blame!

There is also a little bit of concern with the fact Dr. S (my plastic surgeon) made an incision on my breast where there were cancer cells present (obviously, unbeknownst to him).  Also, Dr. Y said some real coordination will have to be made between the two of them because of where my tumor was and where the expander is going to be placed.  I guess there is an incision issue or something- I need some clarification on that.

I BEGGED Dr. Y to put me on the fast-track for surgery.  I told him that waiting six weeks the last time was agonizing.  He agreed that I shouldn't have to wait that long, but I'm at the mercy of Dr. S too, and coordinating the two of them is tricky.  Dr. Y and Dr. S are the best and I want them both on my team, so I guess I'll wait it out.  I should know surgery date by end of next week.

Then the nurse presented me with my "Hope in a Handbag" bag.  It's a big totebag full of "helpful" crap to get me through my mastectomy.   I told her "I ALREADY HAVE ONE FROM LAST TIME!"  OMG- I can't even believe this is happening again.  During the last 4 months, I did think about the fact that it'd really suck to find cancer in my other breast 10 years from now and have to go through this all over again.  Little did I know it'd be 6 MONTHS later, not 10 years. 

Physically, I'm the strongest I've been in my whole life, so bring it on, I'm ready.

Thanks for all of the prayers- they are working and I feel them! 

And as I told Dr. Y, Happy F'in New Year :)

Happy Bday, Maria & Lizzy! Did you know they are a rare type of twin?

11 years ago today, I gave birth to Maria Kathleen & Elizabeth Sue, five weeks shy of their due date. 

M&E are miracles!  This is why:  they are a rare type of twin known as Mono-chorionic/Mono-amniotic or "MoMo" twins.  Basically, the egg split enough for their bodies to separate (initially, my OB feared they were conjoined), however, their sacs did not separate, and they shared both their amniotic and chorionic sacs.  The mortality rate in-utero is very high with this type of twin because their cords become intertwined within the sac, and oftentimes the oxygen/food supply becomes cutoff from one or both twins.  MoMo twins occur in about 1% of twin pregnancies.

By the grace of God, and the doctors' amazement, the girls were born healthy and big (5 lbs 9 oz, and 5 lbs 5 oz), even though their cords were attached to the placenta 1 inch apart from each other, and knotted and twisted together in a giant cluster.  Doctors were SO amazed, in fact, that they had their placenta and cords sent off to be studied.

Facts about the girls:
* Maria is a lefty, Lizzy is a righty
* Maria had a red kidney-shaped birthmark on her right calf, Lizzy had one on her left calf
* Maria oftentimes feels pain that Lizzy is experiencing
* Maria has experienced side-effects of medication that Lizzy only has taken

Isn't that crazy stuff?  We are so lucky to have Maria & Lizzy bless our lives!

Waiting it Out & Swallowing the Grudge

It was SO nice of Summit Plastics to finally check in with me today (6 days later) on how I'm doing.  Afterall, I was barely awake when they told me I still had cancer and then swiftly carted me off to the ER because I was short of breath, coughing uncontrollably and had low oxygen levels. I felt like they couldn't wait to get me out of there and get on with their gurney-runway of boob jobs for the vain, non-cancerous patients.  But hey, I'm sure they thought of me over Christmas.  Luckily, it's all good here...no bruising, no swelling, no pain.  I ask the nice lady, "You DID request to have a copy of my pathology results sent to my primary care physician, right?"  She replies, "I'm not sure if we did since your primary care physician is located out of town."  Ummm, ok...

{Where the f*** do I live?  It's not like we are trying to get Mary from Walnut Grove to Sleepy Eye!  I'm pretty sure my insurance would pay for the long distance call or fax to Angola.} 

It's obvious I'm dealing with some feelings of impatience and frustration here.  It's prudent at this point that I get over my grudge with God immediately and start praying-- fast and hard. This bitterness is ugly and un-Amy-like!  I'm not really feeling it, though, like I normally do when times are good.  But as luck has it and blessings follow, I get an email from a friend, Kathy, who is on vacation in Florida, but still finds the time to send a very timely email to me about prayer called 'How to Pray', by Robert Wells.  {My friend/fellow cancer battler/mentor professional blogger Hollye would call this a silver lining.} 

Here is an excerpt from "How to Pray":

Description:
Prayer unleashes God's power so that he is able to work in our behalf. Prayer opens the channels of God's blessing. Prayer is how God accomplishes the things that he wants to see happen in our lives, and in the lives of others. Prayer opens new doors of opportunity for God to move in. {So far, so good}

In Philippians 4:6 it says, Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God. Basically prayer is simply talking to God just like you would talk to your very best friend.  {uh, oh. when I talk to my best friends I use a lot of profanity. I need to work on that}

Why should we pray?
Prayer unleashes God's power so that he is able to work in our behalf. Prayer opens the channels of God's blessing. Prayer is how God accomplishes the things that he wants to see happen in our lives. Prayer opens new doors of opportunity for God to move. In fact you can view prayer like a door. You are on one side of a closed door and on the other side is God. But standing with God is all this incredible and unimaginable power. When you pray, it is you turning that doorknob and swinging that door wide open. For it is at that moment when all that power can step through that doorway and work for God's good, and for your good.
Since he respects our freedom of choice and free will, prayer enables him to step into our lives. God has limited his powers in our lives to the importance that we place on prayer. Prayer gives God the permission to do what he has been longing to do all the time. Even when we do not see anything significant occurring, God is still at work solving the problem. When there are apparently no answers, God is still is waiting for the proper time to give us the solution. {HURRY UP, I SAY!!!!}
 
Psalm 55:22 Throw every burden upon God.
Psalm 68:19 Blessed be Our God who daily carries the load for us.
Psalm 56:9 This I well know, that God is for me.

There are four basic steps involved in the proper way to pray.
1--Bring the problem to God's attention immediately. But always keep the problem God centered and not problem centered.
2--Supplication. The definition of supplication is---a very honest and clear confession that tells God that you need his help.
3--Then focus on God and not on the problem. Keep in mind that our prayers are always to be God centered.
4--Thanksgiving. You are thankful because you know the following about our great and mighty and glorious God.

• That you can come to the Father with your problems anytime
• That he is concerned about you
• That he loves you
• That he said that he would help you
• That he will see you through this problem
• That he has the power to solve this problem
• That you trust him 100%

Whew!  That's only some of it, but it's helpful, huh?  I hope it's insightful for some of you out there.  We Catholics, especially, need a little help in this area, because we have a tendency to recite prayer after prayer without giving much thought to the meaning. 

Thank you, Kathy for this great email this morning!

Welcome to the Impact Zone

December 21, 2011- On the same day that my cancer battle was to be pretty much over, I was wrong.  In my anesthesia haze, my plastic surgeon tearfully told me that he found a marble-sized lump on my 'previously known-as good' breast.

What? I signed up for my first 1/2 marathon in May in Toronto, planned to go snowboarding in Whistler in early March, visit friends out in LA in late March, and planned a big girls trip to Vegas in August!  WTF? I have no time for more cancer! This was my big, fun year!

I'm starting this blog because I have a feeling I have a long road ahead and I'm not about to post all of my baggage on Facebook.  Facebook: where people embellish their shiny, happy life, even though most are probably about as miserable as I am.  So for those of you who care about what's going on with me at all, or for those who don't know me at all, here it is.  I'm not going to hold back or sugarcoat anything- I'm keeping this real- good, bad, ugly.

Today is Christmas Day.  We get up and open presents- the kids are so happy!  I hold out as long as I can, but eventually I head upstairs to my room and cry and go to sleep.  There is a house-full of people so no one should notice.  I drag myself out of bed after a long nap.  "Soul Surfer" is on Encore.  I've seen it before, but I see it from a different perspective now.  Bethany talks of the 'Impact Zone': That’s the area in the ocean on the way out to where you catch the waves. This mid-area is where the waves are fully curling over and crashing. If you get caught in it you feel like a pair of inside-out jeans in a washing machine. You’re pummeled and spit out. This is where I live right now! Well, actually, I've been here for a good 4 years now. (Luckily, I enjoy fun roller-coaster rides....)

So, I decided this will be the name of my blog: Impact Zone. 

I better talk about my physical state.  I feel completely fine.  I have no pain at all from my surgery and haven't since I awoke to the bad news.  I've taken valium to sleep because my mind is racing.  But I need no pain meds, not even Advil.  My best friend Kari who is an OR nurse says this lack of pain must be because I had an expander for so many months. I think it's because I'm a badass and I'm one tough chica :)